Today was a day of ups and downs. I’ll start at the beginning. It has officially been two weeks since Mark left for Rome. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and I just really can’t believe it has only been two weeks. It feels like it’s been two months!! I thought that saying good bye to him would be the hardest part. Boy, was I wrong.
I really have been trying to look on the bright side of all this. This is an opportunity to figure out who I am without him around. It’s an opportunity to become closer with my friends and take advantage of all of my new found free time.
The thing is, I don’t want any of that. I was kidding myself to think that any of that was good for me. I know who I am without him around: Miserable. I don’t want to be closer with anyone. I have my best friend already and I don’t want to confide in anyone else. I completely changed my hair when he left, thinking it would be a fresh start. And I waited until he left, expressly because it was supposed to be for me, not for him. But all I wanted to do after getting it dyed and chopped to my shoulders was see him be excited about my hair. In person. I want to share absolutely everything about my days with him. And usually, that’s not so hard. But now, knowing that I may only get to talk to him for 15 minutes every day, I don’t necessarily get to tell him anything.
I know that I will probably wake up tomorrow with a fresh outlook and inspiration to face the world head-on. But right now, I just want to crawl up into a ball in my bed and sleep until May.
Of course, a mood like this calls for serious comfort food. All day, all I could think about was vegan mac & cheese, mac & cheeze, if you will. I unpacked my groceries and immediately started my cheeze sauce. I swear, cooking is the only time I feel sane.
As I poured the thick and creamy cheezy sauce over my macaroni, I felt just a little bit better. And let me tell you, I ate way too much mac and cheeze. My stomach still hurts five hours later. But really, it was so worth it.
Just look at all that creamy, gooey deliciousness. I really think it would make anyone feel better.
But here I am. The effects of my mac & cheeze have long worn off (minus the stomach ache…). I still need to send Mark my gratitude list for the day. Most days I don’t have too much trouble coming up with five things to be grateful for. Today, I can’t think of one. I know that I’m wallowing in self-pity and that I need to snap out of it. I’m just not quite ready yet.