I started this blog as a way to learn about life and learn about myself. Mark and I have been together since I was a sophomore in high school. In the past almost-four years, I’ve experienced a lot, but with everything I went through, I had him by my side. Any time I had a bad day, I knew that I would see him in a few days, if not a few hours. I know now that I need to become my own independent person, and that I need to learn to not rely on others for happiness– that I make my own happiness. And I am learning. Slowly.
I’ve learned that weekends are always the worst for me, emotionally. During the week, I’m almost always surrounded by people. I’m never alone at work, and when I come home from work, I have roommates, and I go to the gym– where there are too many people. By the time I go to bed, I haven’t had any time to dwell on the negative, so the positive thoughts that I’ve been carrying all day are what I think about before I go to sleep. On the weekends, though, I usually go to my parents’ house. I spend a lot of time alone, watching tv, cooking, and reading. When I’m alone, I have a lot of time to think about what’s missing from my life rather than all of the great things I already have. This weekend was especially difficult.
I was telling my mom that one of my roommate’s parents just went vegetarian. I’m really excited about it, and I absolutely applaud them. My mother thinks “it’s stupid”. I know that her words shouldn’t bother me and that I don’t need her approval. But when she said that, it was like a punch to the stomach, and (while I had too much time to myself…) I think I figured out why. In my relationship with Mark, I sacrificed a lot. And if he’s reading this… don’t feel bad about it (; But when he left, I could no longer give everything I had to my relationship with him, so I threw myself into veganism, in a way. Over the past five weeks, veganism has become so much more than just the food that I eat and the products I choose to buy. It’s a part of my identity. Veganism has become such a huge part of who I am and what I stand for, and hearing the word “stupid” associated with this astronomical part of my life makes me feel like she thinks I am stupid.
To hear that the thoughts that fill up my day and keep me from falling into a deep hole of self pity are stupid… it really hurts. Veganism is what keeps me positive. It’s what makes me look forward to each coming day. It’s having the faith and the knowledge that what I’m doing for my body is making a difference and that I am a better person now than I was when I ate meat. That said, I don’t think that I’m better than others because they eat meat and I don’t. Part of me wonder’s if my mom’s “stupid” comment was rooted in the idea that I think I’m better than others because I don’t eat animal products.
It also makes me angry to hear her say that vegetarianism and veganism are stupid. Coming from a woman who “doesn’t want to hear about it” if talk of animal cruelty comes up, it seems crazy to me that anyone can have such a disconnect between what they say and what they do. There are those that can’t physically watch animals being slaughtered. I understand that. I am one of them. But I choose to not eat meat because of it. And if someone is able to watch that, and hear about it, and learn about it, and still wants to eat meat, all the more power to you. But for someone to refuse to hear about where veal comes from, then eat veal, and then call my beliefs stupid, makes absolutely zero sense to me. I know that a person’s choice to eat meat is just that– a choice, just as much as my veganism is a choice for me, and for any meat eaters out there reading this, I have absolutely nothing against you. But if you call me stupid, I will. Especially if you are my mother.
On a completely related note, I have learned something really important. The past few weeks have been full of ups and downs. When I’m happy, I’m so happy. I think that I will never be sad again. I think that all of the inspiration I’ve gathered from these happy days is enough to keep me happy in the long run, that I will wake up every morning with the same feelings as the morning before, and that if I am sad I will focus on the good and that will fix everything. But then I get sad, and I think that this is impossible. I think that I will never be happy again because I have no reason to be happy. But today I had one of these days. I am sad. All day, I thought about how beautiful it was outside, and how I’m going to be in London in ten days with the love of my life. But it didn’t help. And I realized that that’s just how it is sometimes. There are good days and there are bad, but neither of them mean that the other doesn’t exist. Life has ups and downs, and while we shouldn’t dwell on the sad days, we should acknowledge them, deal with them as best we can, and move on.
So here I am. I acknowledged my sadness, and I dealt with it here. I wrote it all down, got it all off my chest. And if you didn’t feel like reading it, I’m sorry, but know that I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for me. And now I can, and will, move on.
Tomorrow is another day.